Running is a road to self-awareness and reliance … you can push yourself to extremes and learn the harsh reality of your physical and mental limitations or coast quietly down a solitary path watching the earth spin beneath your feet. But when you are through, exhilarated and exhausted, at least for a moment everything seems right with the world…

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Love is Just a Shackle I See

I wasn't going to blog again this soon, but yesterday I went for my first run outside, and today I read a great chapter in my book and I just feel like I need to write.

So I plotted out about a 3 mile course yesterday to one of the schools I worked in last spring and back to my house, and of course cutting through my favorite running trail. It felt so nice to be outside again! I started out jumping around and over puddles and sometimes I would slow down to walk around the big ones. When I reached my favorite short 2 block "trail" a particular song came on. The same exact song that came on when I first discovered the trail last fall. I dont' know why I love this trail. It's so short and located right next to the noisy I-35, but there's just something about feeling like I'm out in the woods and knowing that I'm near the center of the city. About a mile in I started running through the puddles. The cool wetness felt good on my feet anyway. When I was almost home I knew I needed to do a cool-down, but I just wasn't ready to stop running yet, so I did another loop around part of my old course. When I got home I realized I still needed to do a cool down, but at this instant "Corrina" by Taj Mahal came on and it was the perfect pace for jogging, so I jogged to my "cotemplation" spot. This area is only about 3 blocks away from my house, but it's where I always go when I'm feeling down about life. It reminds me what I want, and what I'm working for. I wanted to see if the snow had melted enough for me to get there yet. If I wore water proof boots I could trudge through the slush and make it. I then walked home.

I felt really good about my run, although for some reason I was bloated afterward? I had some fizzy water and made some pasta for dinner and then headed to Daryn's new band's show. Wow! They were awesome. Anyway today I'm sore. Especially my legs. When I went back to process books at work "Multiply" by Jamie Lidell came on. I moved and grooved a bit and felt better after this.

This afternoon I have been sitting at the desk for what feels like forever, and I'm not currently on chapter 25 of my book. I love it. So many tips and pointers. Anyway the last chapter was very interesting. Scattered throughout the books are chapters that have almost nothing to do with running. She writes these, mostly, about relationships she been in. The last chapter I read seems like something I could have written. She titled it "The Breakup" and it begins with her talking about how she doesn't want to run, but after she gets going she feels better somehow, as if shes working out all the anguish and bitterness of her recent breakup. In then end she finishes her workout feeling better, but as soon as she gets in the shower she starts crying, realizing that she can't run away from her emotions. This is it. This is the reason why I started running. To escape. And she's right, it doesn't work. But those 20 or so minutes, when you feel like you've worked through your issues, feel so great and are so addicting, that you keep coming back for more.

She then comments about how she later becomes friends with her ex and when he asks her why it didn't work out she responds by saying "It did. This is what it looks like, sometimes, to have something workout." This is it. This is what I want. I need to get to this point. Last year when I commented that I needed to "get over the relationship"  a very important person told me that it's not about "getting over" the relationship. He said the relationship is still here, but it's changing into something new, something new and better. I want to get there, and I know I will, in my own time.

Running has become my escape. But not just from my self-loathing, or my pain anymore. It's the stress of everyday life. All of the assignments,  the waking up at 5am to get to work, the fear that I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. The fear that I won't be a good teacher. Running is my escape from all of this. And that's why I love it. Running is my "me time." Me and my music :)

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